Mitigating High Conflict Divorce Disputes (8/24/08) Brook D. Olsen High levels of parental conflict have consistently been shown to be among the most destructive factors in both intact and divorced families. Currently, we have an epidemic of children caught up in the chaos and turmoil of parental conflict.
Seven Ways to Improve Your Working Relationships (8/24/08) Victoria Pynchon
Each of the seven steps can help litigators de-escalate the conflict inherent in litigation before all-important settlement negotiations, whether they are conducted with the assistance of a third party neutral or not.
One or more of them might also help ease tension in the law firm -- a very tense place these days given the recession, lay-off's, the de-equitization of partners and the shedding of non-productive practice groups or of those that might conflict with the law firm your firm is about to merge with.
It's a rough time. Let's all be a little more careful of our social capital there.
We're going to need it.
Decide. The first step is you must decide that you want to improve the relationship. The precursor to this step is recognition - recognizing that the relationship needs improving - but the heart of this is the decision that this relationship matters enough for you to make the effort required to improve it. Without this decision, nothing else matters.
Forgive or let it go. If you feel the other person has done something to cause the rift or break-down, you must either forgive them or let go of your issues with it. Without this step, the steps that follow may help some, but will be limited in their success.
Take ownership. Recognize your role in the relationship, and take ownership and responsibility for it. Yes, deciding and forgiving are accountability actions; but being clear that regardless of the situation you have played a role in the change to the relationship is critical to your success in repairing any damage. Otherwise you are only blaming the other person - which cripples your chance for improvement.
Make your intention clear. Once you have decided to take actions to improve the relationship, your behaviors will change. Take the time to explain your decision and your intention to improve the relationship. Let the other person know that both the situation and the person matter to you, and you want a better relationship. This cements your commitment and communicates your intention to the other person.
Assume positive intent. While I have long believed this concept in a variety of situations, a colleague recently expressed it this way and it makes the idea completely clear. Assume the other person was - and is - acting in good faith. Will you be wrong sometimes? Perhaps. But by starting from this assumption you will immediately change your perception and therefore your behaviors toward that person.
Listen more. We all know how important listening is and how good it makes us feel when we are truly being listened to. Grant that gift to the other person. Listen intently, carefully and actively. Not only will you understand them (and their perspective) better, but they will trust you more and the relationship will build from their perspective.
Make an effort. Deciding is one thing. Doing is quite another. If you want better relationships, you must make the effort - it will seldom, if ever, happen automatically.
For the full post (well worth reading) click here.
Mediation Model Urged for Long-Term Care Facilities (8/13/08) Keith Seat
A research report on an appropriate mediation model for long-term care facilities concluded that care could be improved by involving residents and families through mediation, but that intensive outreach is required within facilities. Many cases referred to mediation were not mediated due to barriers from lack of knowledge of potential benefits and availability. The report was published in the Journal of the American Medical Directors Association.
Betty Manley, 65, Squeezed So Much Life Out of New Heart (8/13/08) Holly Crenshaw A tiny spitfire of a woman, Betty Manley was known as the grandmother of Georgia mediators — a pioneer who zipped around the world teaching others how to peacefully resolve conflicts.
Calling all divorce mediators: inside the mind of a divorce lawyer (7/21/08) Geoff Sharp When next at mediation a jaded divorce attorney collapses in the chair nearest to you, remember this has been their journey;
'Dear client,
I am pleased that you have hired me to represent you in your divorce. I'm pleased because I need the money you and others like you pay me. I'm tired of working with people like you who are always fighting and never happy, and often unhappy with me, but I feel trapped now and don't know how I could change my practice at this point in my career without a huge financial setback, so I hang on and do the best job I can, the best way I know, for clients like you.
If you're like most people going through divorce, you've heard a chorus of voices -- from your mother to your neighbor to the person who cuts your hair -- warning that you better get a mean "junkyard dog" lawyer. I don't like being a junkyard dog lawyer, and I don't think it would be in your best interest for me to be, but I have to give you the impression early on that I am so you will hire me. I don't like doing it, but you demand it, so I do it.
That means that when we met in our first consultation, I talked about how experienced I am. I gave you an optimistic assessment of what you would give up and what you would get working with me. If your spouse had come the same day instead of you and presented the very same facts, I would have given your spouse an equally optimistic assessment from their perspective. I learned long ago not to lose any sleep about doing this. You demand it, and I'm going to give it to you so you will hire me.
You can see what happened now, can't you? I gave you an optimistic assessment of your case from your perspective, then one of my colleagues gave your spouse an optimistic assessment of the case from your spouse's perspective. Together, we worked knowingly or unknowingly to convince both of you that the other is being unreasonable and that you each needed us to win you a better deal.
I told you in our initial consultation that you should avoid communicating directly with your spouse about anything other than parenting of your children. I did this because nothing is so important to me as client control. I want to be the gatekeeper of all communications between you and your spouse, so I can decide how much information to provide to you and what "spin" to put on it. This will make you and your spouse more suspicious of each other, and it will make you more dependent on me. I like that, at least in the early stages of divorce negotiations
There's more than a 93% chance that your case will settle before trial. Nevertheless, I will prepare your case as if you were going to trial. This will be wasteful and expensive. I will conduct lengthy
discovery including interrogatories, requests for the production of documents, and depositions, charging you a great deal of money to prepare documents that I simply have printed from my word processor with minor changes.
The Four Faces of Face (5/15/08) John Ng This paper investigates the relationship between maintaining face and mediation and its effects on parties.
An Improbable Fairy Tale Of Alien Romance (5/12/08) Deborah Sword On a small lovely planet with a magenta sky and cinnamon flavored water, at least three social groups interact successfully.
Are You Really Ready for Divorce? The 8 Questions You Need to Ask (5/12/08) Bruce Derman, Wendy Gregson This article outlines what couples need to do in order to face the numerous dilemmas that are inherent in divorce. A dilemma implies that you are torn between two choices, each of which have undesirable fearful elements. If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency.
Report from the Wingspread Conference on Domestic Violence and Family Courts (3/31/08) Clare Dalton, Nancy Ver Steegh In February of 2007 the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges and the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts brought together a working group of thirty-seven experienced practitioners and researchers to identify and explore conceptual and practical tensions that have hampered effective work with families in which domestic violence has been identified or alleged. Five central sets of issues were raised at the conference and are discussed in this report. These include the following: differentiation among families experiencing domestic violence; screening and triage; participation by families in various processes and services; appropriate outcomes for children; and family court roles and resources. The report emphasizes the need for continued multidisciplinary collaboration in order to better serve families affected by domestic violence and it includes an appendix of consensus points as well as suggestions for formation of ongoing work groups.
The Client-Centered Process: Common Ground for Mediators And Collaborative Professionals (2/25/08) Chip Rose In his “Letters to a Young Poet,” the Czech poet, Rainer Maria Rilke counsels a young man who sent some of his work to the aging artist seeking his opinion. In one of the most memorable portions of the correspondence, Rilke encouraged his young artist friend to find comfort by “living in the question”—trusting that to do so was a far more productive endeavor than obsessing about the answers. I cannot think of a more appropriate point of professional departure for those of us who work with interpersonal, relational conflict than to practice the art of “living in the question.”
Generational Negotiations (1/28/08) Joshua N. Weiss
In this podcast Josh interviews Dr. Cathy Rodgers and Dr. Scott Mills, two generational negotiation experts. The three discuss the dynamics found in generational negotiations and some tips for how to manage them. MP3 File
Resolve conflict in your marriage, live longer (1/28/08) Diane J. Levin
A recent study shows that the upside of marital fighting is not just the makeup sex afterwards.
Couples in which both the husband and wife suppress their anger when one attacks the other die earlier than members of couples where one or both partners express their anger and resolve the conflict…
The study results suggest that good conflict resolution skills may be key, but the problem is that few people possess the proper training. According to the study’s lead author,
“When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict…Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that’s fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?”
The lesson? If you want to save your marriage and your health, learn conflict resolution skills.
Of War and Negotiation: Part 2: The Passion Play - Tolstoy’s War and Peace (1/21/08) Robert Benjamin “Well, Prince, so Genoa and Lucca are now just family estates of the Bonapartes. But I warn you, if you don’t tell me that this means war, if you still try to defend the infamies and horrors perpetrated by that Antichrist----I really believe he is Antichrist---I will have nothing more to do with you and you are no longer my friend....”/ (1805 Book One, Chapter 1. Anna Scherer’s soiree, War and Peace, L. Tolstoy, p. 3.) So begins Tolstoy’s masterpiece with Anna Pavlovna Scherer remarking to Prince Kuragin at her soiree in Moscow in 1805, her view of the then current Napoleonic rampage through Europe that was soon to be directed toward Russia. The tone of that conversation was not so different from one I had with ‘Anne’, a modern day stand-in for Tolstoy’s Anna, at a /petite soiree---/a holiday open-house--- 202 years later and half a world away in Portland, Oregon. Most conflicts, regardless of the circumstances or context, follow the same script, be they personal, geo-political, or business disputes. In one way or another, their substance is about money, property, power and control, or truth, honor, and justice. The character casting, drawn from the original passion play, are, of course, clearly drawn between the hero/victim and the antagonist evil-doer, or Antichrist.** As a negotiator....probably not unlike an entomologist’s fascination with the behavior of ants under attack, I began to listen more closely; not so much with the particulars of the storyline, but for clues about how, if at all, it might be possible to shift and re-direct her anger and
frustration.
Mediation just a quarter of the cost of lawyer-to-lawyer settlements (1/21/08) Geoff Sharp
Mediation was by far the least expensive option, with a median cost of $6,600, compared to $19,723 for a collaborative divorce, $26,830 for settlements negotiated by rival lawyers, and $77,746 for full-scale litigation
Community Peace-maker: An Interview with John B. Stephens (1/14/08) Gini Nelson This is an interview by Gini Nelson of John B. Stephens. Among many accomplishments, John is co-author of Reaching for Higher Ground in Conflict Resolution and an associate professor at the School of Government, UNC-Chapel Hill. He has worked on education, land use, and environmental issues, and designed and facilitated dialogues on homosexuality and denominational policies in the United Methodist Church. He can be reached at www.ncpdr.unc.edu
Family Negotiations (1/08/08) Phyllis Pollack
When asked the question, “are you a negotiator” most people answer, “no.” They do not realize that they are, indeed, negotiators and that they negotiate every day of their lives. They negotiate with their friends, family and strangers every day, about such mundane things as who will walk the dog, who will make the coffee, where and when to go to lunch, or dinner, what to bring to the party, and/or who will drive et cetera.
Rather, most of us think of “negotiation” in terms of “formal” disputes such as cases in court. But, as the above-examples show, we shouldn’t. There will be times when we will have to negotiate seriously with friends and family. When that occurs, a few helpful hints will come in handy.
With respect to the first – capitalize on benefits – use the fact that you have shared experiences with the other party. Such shared experience provides a great deal of knowledge that can enhance your negotiation. “Negotiators with close ties tend to cooperate rather than compete.” (Id.)
The second tip – anticipate complications – focuses on the fact that “negotiating friends and relatives tend to avoid conflict rather than confront it.” (Id.) Rather than engage in such avoidance techniques, “take time to agree on the norms, standards, principles, and processes that will guide your interaction” before you start that process. (Id.)
The third point – allow feelings to surface – ties in with the second point. Again, friends and relatives tend to sweep negative emotions under the rug. Fight this inclination and instead use your emotions to improve the relationship and to create resolution by satisfying everyone’s interests.
Finally, at certain times, you have to willing to concede that outside help is needed. The use of an independent financial advisor, real estate person, therapist or mediator may be necessary to resolve the impasse. “Sometimes, the smartest option is to recognize the difficulty of negotiating rationally and to turn over some degree of control to an outside party.” (Id.)
. . . Just something to think about.
Making Referrals To Divorce Mediation (12/31/07) Georgia Daniels Frequently, marriage and family therapists may sense that a couple is headed toward divorce, but feel unprepared to recommend divorce mediation because they are unfamiliar with the potential benefits of mediation for their clients. This article introduces the referring professional to the benefits of divorce mediation, gives an overview of the process, provides criteria to look for when making referrals, and discusses how to best support clients who continue in therapy while the mediation is in progress.
Families in Conflict: A Holiday Super-Challenge! (12/31/07) Jan Frankel Schau
The holidays present an extra special time of family conflict for so many of us. Children don't grow up expecting this as adults, but as I age I learn that our family is not alone in this dynamic. It's a time when expectations run high and memories deep. Last weekend, I took on an informal mediation between my husband and his mother to see if I could orchestrate a truce or at least change the dynamic between them so that next year may bring a less stressful holiday season. What I am discovering, as I go through the process, is that it takes a super skilled mediator to "self-mediate". While I profess not to take sides in this conflict, and indeed, objectively see both sides of the issues, the very nature of creating the environment (we've decided on neutral territory--neither one's home) and the timing (we've decided on dinner on New Year's Day--instead of Christmas) is a challenge. I'm curious whether any of my readers have attempted self-mediation within the family, or whether I am the only one who belongs to a family who doesn't live life in perfect harmony. Your thoughts and insights are welcome this time. This Christmas, Schau's Mediation Insights need you to contribute! May you be blessed with abiding peace, challenges and triumphs and above all gratitude!
P.S.: For those of you who have noticed, I took a few months "sabbatical" from blogging--having disclosed a few too many details about a mediation which I found challenging...but I'm back! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all.
Divorce-proof your Marriage with Mediators (12/31/07) Dina Beach Lynch
December is the most popular month for popping the question, which fills this mediator with loads of holiday cheer. Why? A skillful family or marriage mediator can build a practice by assisting couples to answer the second big question: I will, then what?
According to a Boston Globe article, couples, who were once surrounded my family and friends who could offer marriage advice, now need a different kind of support system to navigate the challenges of learning to live together and be happily married. Social workers like Mimi Licht counsel couples before they get married.
And, mediators like Laurie Israel of Brookline, MA who specializes in helping married couples negotiate better, can be part of that support, too. In fact, if I recall correctly, I blogged about the wedding opportunity a year ago. When you consider that almost half of all marriages end in divorce and that the average cost for a wedding has now risen to $30K, it seems very likely that couples (and their bill-paying parents) are ready to invest in this kind of wedding planning.
If you're interested in learning more about this emerging field, here are some suggestions:
Reach out your local family mediation council or association for social workers to investigate the market further
Identify a local service provider: therapist, wedding shop, event planner, who may want to expand their services and partner with you
Consider joining our Family Learning Circle- our first topic for discussion is Marriage Mediation lead by Mediator Ned Busch on Jan. 4th at 11 a.m. PST/2 p.m. EST
Listen to a Day in the Life of an attorney and therapist mediation team, Diana Mercer and Tara Fass on Monday, Feb. 11th. Sign up here
Try. Fail. Learn. Grow! Dina
Take this Idea, Pls: Wrap up the 'Sandwich Generation' (11/27/07) Dina Beach Lynch 34 million people in this country are getting squeezed- and we can help.
Called the 'sandwich generation', these folks wrestle with the huge task of caring for both their children and their aging parents while working full-time, according to a recent MSNBC article.
This is a growing trend, folks, that bears watching. The US Census predicts that the elderly population will double to 70 million by 2030. I can imagine a plethora of opportunities to assist families to make decisions, explore options and meaningfully resolve disputes about care, contribution and assets. According to Andy Cohen, founder of Caring.com, a new website that caters to sandwich caregivers, the market potentially represents up to 100 million dollars annually.
To learn more about the interests and needs of this emerging niche, I recommend ...say it with me now: research.
Visit portal blog sites like icerocket.com or technorati.com to find blogs in this arena. A good google search for websites on aging and 'baby boomers' couldn't hurt. And, don't forget to find a forum or three to join so you can get an insiders view.
Then start reading! I'm sure you'll find unique ways that you can serve this client base and distinguish mediation from the other resources available.
As always if anyone takes up this idea I'd love to get a note!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Dina
PS We're launching a Family Mediation Learning Circle on Dec. 10th for our members. Learning Circles bring like-minded practitioners from across the country together to brainstorm ideas, offer resources and network on marketing to families. You can learn more at ADRPracticebuilder.com.
Collaborative Law – The Magic of Counterpart Counsel (11/26/07) Laurie Israel At some point during a divorce process, everyone meets -- there is a four-way meeting of the divorcing parties and their attorneys. In a litigated case, the first in-person four-way meeting might be at a court hearing on a motion, or at the pre-trial conference with the judge. This meeting might occur after many negative experiences with the opposing side. These include depositions, discovery of documents, letters by opposing counsel (forwarded by a party’s own counsel) and reports of negotiations between counsel and/or demands and ultimatums on very painful points. There may be no history of collaborative work between the attorneys on behalf of their parties, and there is no guarantee that this first four-way meeting will be anything but unpleasant.
Using Email In Couples Counselling (11/20/07) Colin Rule
Experience suggests that there is considerable potential in email communications for both misunderstanding and enhanced understanding. As Collaborative Practitioners, we have the added benefit of working on cases with colleagues who join forces with us in trying to achieve higher levels of understanding in all of our communications – in person as well as in cyberspace. By adding more effective email communication to our toolbox, we can achieve higher level of collaboration and thus better results for our clients."
I think this is a watershed moment, when leading "face-to-face" dispute resolution practitioners are writing articles that could have been written by ODR practitioners just a few years ago. Jim Melamed always said that one day in the future, if you squinted your eyes just a little bit, ODR and ADR would become indistinguishable. This article is an indication that the day may have arrived where that is becoming true.
Forget Harmony, Settle for Peace (11/19/07) Gary Direnfeld An oft-common mistake working with high conflict separated parents is to move them towards getting along and working cooperatively for the well-being of their children. It is a lofty and noble goal unfortunately far beyond the grasp of folks who would likely prefer to see the other disappear for a more immediate and permanent solution to the conflict. The more they are pushed together, the more intense the conflict.
Situación de los Puntos de Encuentro Familiar en España (11/12/07) Franco Conforti Sabido es para los aquí presentes que las formulas tradicionales de resolver los conflictos de pareja, llámense estas formas separación o divorcio han mostrado en algunos casos, retardo, ineficacia, inequidad, etc.; en ocasiones ello a alimentado al litigio, prolongando el conflicto en el tiempo y deteriorando o atentando a que los hijos logren relacionarse de forma igual y/o equilibrada con sus padres, llegando a extremos de forzarlos (cuando cuentan con edad suficiente para hacerlo) a elegir con cual de sus progenitores relacionarse.
Thanks to 
A recent study shows that the upside of marital fighting is not just the makeup sex afterwards.
